Their words | What is it like to experience bipolar disorder?
大家还记得吗？我们在2月22日-3月2日联手简单心理，进行了9天的双相情感障碍倡导篇章。也标记着我们始然公益（CandleX）“情绪实验室”项目（双相情感障碍社会倡导2016-2018）项目进入了第三个模块：社会教育宣传。
22nd Feb- 2nd March last month, our MoodlaB Project ( Bipolar Disorder Awareness Raising Project 2016-2018) has started on the third component: Psychosocial Education, with the spot light brought on by our partner: Mytherapist.
简单心理征集了故事，也推送了双相情感障碍的解读科普文章。我们很高兴能够在次倡导中听到很多中国人的声音（对啊，始然公益不就是一直在北京的国际小圈子里扎根做事的一个特例嘛。这次是第一次很激动的发双语帖子哦）。所以，要把这些声音和知识也传达给我们服务的对象。
Mytherapist has called for stories on bipolar from the community, and has published their article on understanding bipolar disorder. We are happy to hear voices from our Chinese fellows (right, CandleX’s targeting on the international community. So we are excited to publish this post bilingually, for the first time!). Yes, let’s bring the knowledge to our audiences too.
3月30日是国际双相情感障碍日，所以我们也精心煲了10天的好汤给大家送上。
今天上汤：简单心理和始然公益联合倡导的双相情感障碍公众教育片
作者｜E+，本文首发于“简单心理”（ janelee1231），只提供高质量的心理服务
30 thMarch is the World Bipolar Day. So come on in, we are about to serve you thesoup for your soul from today onwards for the next 10 days!
First course: stories on bipolar disorder from Chinesecommunity by Mytherapist and CandleX Author | E+, published on “Mytherapist” (janelee1231) on 23rdFeb 2017.
“我可以拯救世界！不，我就是个废柴”｜双相情感是怎样一种体验？
“I can save the world! No, I am a coward.” | What is it like to experience bipolar disorder?
1.我确诊八年了。情绪反反复复在抑郁和躁狂之间动荡，就像海盗船。现在正在抑郁发作期，说不出什么感受，也许等我躁狂发作的时候可以好好聊聊。
I have been diagnosed with bipolar disorder for 8 years now. My emotions always transition between a depressed mood and a manic mood, just like a corsair in an amusement park. At the moment I am going though adepressive phase. I don't know how to describe it, maybe we can have a chat when I am in a manic phase.
2.他们都说这是天才病，可是我连吃饭睡觉都做不到。有时候自信能创造历史，有时候想毁灭世界，维持正常的生活已经耗尽所有力量了。
People say this disorder is for geniuses, but I can’t even eat and sleep like an average human being. Sometimes confidence can leave agreat legacy, and sometimes it can destroy the world. Maintaining a balanced life requires all of my energy.
3.我是一个双相情感障碍的患者，大四，主修心理学。我了解到这种心理障碍是在一年前的变态心理学专业课上，但我仔细回想这种情绪“低落—高涨”不断交替的感受，却是在10年前的初中生活中就已经出现。那时我是班长，班主任给了我很大的发展空间，我可以想出好多点子并组织好多活动，喜欢与老师和身边的同学谈论各种事情。可是又会有一段时间，特别萎靡不振，害怕与人交流，觉得自己什么都不行。
这种状态持续到大学。在更需要独立的环境下，问题暴露得更加明显：作息不规律、对各种事情拖延、难以应付期末考试、实习与开题报告，自卑感时常降临，有时甚至生活都快不能自理。当然也有亢奋的时候，冒出很多idea，做很多计划，向别人夸下海口等等。
两种状态下的我就像截然相反的两个人一样，一个自信满满，一个怯懦无能。我积极地向咨询中心的老师求助，我明白要悦纳自己，可是在抑郁状态下真的无法想象自己躁狂时是怎么看待世界的。就在最近一段时间，我决定配合药物治疗。伴随了一个寒假的坚持服药和自我观察，真的觉得，尽早去面对和主动求治永远是不会错的，我依然在路上。
I suffer from bipolar disorder. I am a senior in college majoring in Psychology. I was introduced to emotions associated with bipolar disorder a year ago in an abnormal psychologyclass, and when I thought about it carefully I realized that I had already experienced this myself 10 years ago in middle school. I was the leader of the class and my form tutor gave me a lot of freedom to develop. I was able to come up with many ideas and organize class activities. I liked talking to my teachers and my classmates about a lot of things. However, sometimes I would feel very depressed and was scared to communicate.
I was like this until I started college. In college I had more independence so the problem became more obvious: I don't have a regular routine; I procrastinate on everything; I can’tcope with finals, internships or research papers; I feel more and more self-contempt and sometimes I can’t even take care of myself. Sometimes however, I am very active, have lots of ideas, make plans and show off to others.
I am like two completely different people, one with a high level of confidence and one with an inabilityt o do things. I frequently go to a counselor for help in order to bette runderstand myself, but when I am depressed I can’t imagine how I perceive the world. Just recently, I have decided to use medication to help me to get through this. I am still looking for the right way to exist after a winter holiday of medication and self-observation.
4.说到双相情感障碍，今天十七岁的我，病程已经七年了。每个人的症状多少会有些差别吧。当我的躁狂出现时，情绪高涨让我变成了别人眼中的元气少女，开朗活泼且搞笑的社交达人。长时间不睡也可以神采焕发，轻轻松松开启学霸模式。然而我的抑郁才是常态，想被所有人遗忘，瘫在床上什么都不想做，眼泪会不断掉下来……
I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder 7 years ago and I am only 17 years old now. Everyone’s situation is slightly different. When I am manic I can be funny and outgoing. I study even harder than usual without sleep. However, when I am in a depressed mood, I don't want people to remember me, tears run down my face while I lie on my bed doing nothing.
5.抑郁期，一切障碍都将毁灭我。——卡夫卡
躁狂期，我可以粉碎一切障碍。——巴尔扎克
When depressed, all obstacles will destroy me. —Kafka
When manic, I can destroy everything. — Balzac
6.轻躁发作的时候总想表达自己。滔滔不绝谈论各种形势，工作效率极高甚至觉得自己可以改变世界。当抑郁袭来，无法出门不能见人，噩梦不断呼吸困难，连死的力气都没有。本来以为自己是性情中人所以情绪才像过山车，直到六个月前被突发的躯体症状打败，才察觉事情没有想象中简单。
鼓足勇气自己去了医院，两周以后确诊了双相
When I am in a manic phase, I always want to express myself. I could talk about anything and am also very productive. When depression comes, I don't want to see people, nightmares make me choke and life is meaningless. I realized something wasn’t right after experiencing some physical symptoms 6 months ago.
I finally had the courage to go to the hospital, and I was diagnosed with bipolar.
“我可以拯救世界
不，我就是个废柴”
“I can save the word, no I am just a coward.”
7.有时候感觉自己仿佛得了重度抑郁，不愿意出门，什么都不想做，与别人交流都很抵触。
有时候，又仿佛内心燃烧起了一把火，热情洋溢，干什么都兴冲冲的，也能带动别人，但不知道会持续多久，就像油料会用完，这时就又会蹦到另一个极端。
Sometimes I feel like I have depression. I don't want to go out, do anything or communicate with others. Sometimes I feel like I am very passionate about everything. I can do everything with a positive attitude and it can influence others, but I never know how long this state will last. It is like burning a candle, when the candle is burnt out, another extreme will occur.
8.前几天刚刚经历过这种情绪。当知道自己努力了一年，却没有考上研究生时，那个下午，即使阳光洒在身上，依然感觉寒冷。即使行走在热闹的大街，依然感觉寂静孤独。即使有无数的信息要处理，也只愿躲进被窝与世隔绝。
第二天，早早醒来，从6点到23点，在电脑前一刻不停地写着论文，就像个机器，不停不停的写啊写，恨不得所有的力气都在这一天用完。这就是矛盾的时刻吧。
I just experienced bipolar emotion a few days ago. After working hard for a whole year, I still did not get into graduate school. That afternoon, though the sun was warm, I was still very cold. Although the street was energetic, I still felt a sense of loneliness. Though I had many messages that needed to be replied to, I just wanted to get into bed and be isolated from the external world.
I woke up early the next day, from 6 in the morning till 11in the night, I could not stop working on my essay. I was like a machine, and I couldn’t stop writing, I wished I could be burnt out that day. This can be seenas a contradictory moment.
9.一天就能体验情绪的大起大落。突然想写字时，兴奋得在纸上抄了很多英语台词和歌词，过于激动得停不下来，写了好久，让自己清醒淡定，但是身体不受思想控制。
因为没完成计划的作业而觉得自己无能为力，一直趴在桌上，觉得没有一点能量，什么事都不想做，不知道怎么办，想听音乐，看小说，但是觉得自己沉沉的，完全动不起来
I can experience emotional ups and downs in a single day. When I want to write things, I cannot stop copying lyrics and writing things down. I do this to keep myself calm, but my mind cannot control my body.
Sometimes when I fail to complete my homework, I feel like I am powerless. I have no energy to move or do anything other than lie on my table. I don't want to do anything and don't know what do to. I want to listen to music or read books but I am too down to do so.
10.寒暑假在家能不出门就不出门，能不下床就不下床，能不说话就不说话，就像废物一样。到了开学就正常学习生活，期间感觉自己心里堵得快崩溃就会到学校心理咨询室那里聊聊，自己好像总是飘一阵子沉一阵子。”飘”的时候只是觉得幸运女神是我亲姐姐做什么事都像开了挂一样。"沉"的时候，最严重的一次试过逃过大半学期的课，躺在宿舍等饿晕然并卵。
通过心理咨询室的几次聊天，我明白或许跟我的家庭有关，我真的没有什么自我，就像扯线玩偶一样，既然没有勇气挣脱枷锁，就经常不自觉地自我放弃。前几天看了《海边的曼彻斯特》，这部"我们有权不和过去和解"的电影，看到主角Lee一脸痛苦地说Ican't beat it.连说了两遍。我哭了。我明白我浪费了很多时间，错过了很多机会，但我总是会有那么一阵子系统崩溃。
During the holidays, I don’t have motivation to do anything: I don't go out, don't get out of bed and don't talk. When school starts, I study normally just like the others but sometimes I need to visit the school counselor for guidance. My emotions are like a swing. Sometimes I feel active, like I can achieve anything. Sometimes I am down, and sometimes I skip school.
After talking to a psychiatrist, I came to understand that my emotions are affected by my family. I don't know who I am, I am like a puppet who is being controlled by my family. I never had the courage to break it, so I chose to give up. A few days ago I watched “Manchester by the sea”, amovie about “the past is the past, people don’t have to make up for it,” when Isaw the character Lee saying “I can't beat it, I can’t beat it!” with a facefull of sadness, I cried. I realised that I have wasted a lot of time, missed alot of opportunities, but sometimes I still feel depressed.
11.从三月份开始每天跑至少十公里，不敢停下，下雨了，打着伞还往操场上去。春节以后，一个人在家呆着特别孤单，什么也不做，每天除了吃东西和躺着睡觉刷剧不想做任何事。仿佛曾经打着伞在操场上跑步的人消失了……
I started running every day in March, I am afraid to stop.
After spending spring festival home alone, I felt lonely and could not do anything. I had no motivation to do things other than eat and sleep. The person who exercises every day has now disappeared.
12.高三党。上学期有一周的时候，咨询师让我定计划。然后我就兴致勃勃地做了计划。于是，我度过了十分充实的周一周二两天时光，当时可是做题做到根本停不下来好嘛，感觉头不晕了，呼吸顺畅了，身体倍棒，吃嘛嘛香。
然后，星期三的时候果断败给了自己，甚至都不想起床上学啊喂。。。情绪低落到整天各种想哭各种自责啊喂。。。至今逃不出最多坚持两天的干劲。。。现在被抑郁和焦虑折磨的根本静不下心来学习，还被班主任嫌弃总请假。我也不想总跑医院好嘛，我也知道高三我该好好学习好嘛，可是我也真的好难受好痛苦好嘛。。。
Last year in high school. My therapist told me to make a plan after school started. So I followed this advice passionately. As a result I had a good time. I couldn't stop doing my homework and I was very healthy. However, a few days ago, I failed to follow my plan. I was sad. Now I amsuffering from bipolar emotions, I can’t make myself calm enough to study. I know I need to work hard, but I don't know what to do.
13.开学前一周状态特别糟糕，每天瘫在床上无意义的刷手机，整个人昏昏沉沉可是晚上还睡不着觉，夜里特别容易醒。开学回到学校好一些，确实觉得有力气多了。感觉经常会这样一阵消极一阵积极，甚至是有周期的。
以前我都以为消极是因为拖延症不好好干活，所以产生的无意义的悔恨情绪，只要踏踏实实的就不会消沉。可是后来发现有时候情绪并不受自己控制，甚至努力想自己调节也没有用。
The week before school started was horrible for me. I could be on my phone 24/7. I was always tired but could not go to sleep. Sometimes, Ieven woke up in the middle of the night. I got better after school started and felt more energetic. But my mood still swings back and forth: negative and positive.
I could not control my emotion, even when I tried to. It was use less.
14.第一次给简单心理留言。近几年经历了许多事情，如同戏剧一般跌宕起伏，但结局还是不尽如人意。现在我不祈求生活能像曾经一样事事顺遂，只希望自己能够开心一点。从Even身上仿佛看到了自己的影子，有时觉得周围的一切都很美好，有时觉得自己怎么会这么糟糕，这两种情感交替产生，如同一种精神上的折磨。不过依旧相信未来会变好。
This is my first time writing about this. I hope to live a happy life, but the opposite always turns out to be the case. Sometimes I think everything is bright; sometimes, everything seems so awful. Having these two extreme emotions is torturing me spiritually. But I believe the future is going to be bright.
(Okay, back to English!)
What’s more?
With the intention to unite the isolated voices, our MoodlabPhotoshoot(Sep 2016-2017) is still ongoing. We invite you to join us as a model, a story teller and an advocate (click here)
Dance for Charity | CandleX’s 2 Year Anniversary Party
Here’s something you don’t know about CandleX! Behind all the depression talks, workshops, and events, we are a team of people with good sense of humor, diverse talents, and fun driven energy. So instead of a traditional celebration with speeches, medals, and sitting tables, we are going to make it FUN!
To mark this two-year anniversary, we are throwing a PARTY at night, and DanceWorkshops during the afternoon. You are invited to join us. Meet the CandleX’screw! It will be a night of fun and celebration.
For more info: click here(register now forearly bird price by 26th March)